Behind Every Criticism Is A Wish
Some sentences have the power to make you stop. And then redo whatever it is that you were doing. If you heard it on a podcast, then you pause, and listen to it again. If you read it somewhere, you might take a screenshot or highlight it.
Behind every criticism is a wish, is one such.
It is attributed to Esther Perel, a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author. She is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships.
If your first thought is 'does this apply to work?', read on.
Let's start with something basic. When someone says 'Why can't you do something without me asking you to do it?'. What do you think it means? What is the person trying to say here?
Most will agree that the person saying this expects the other person to take initiative. The same sentiment could be expressed as a simple 'Do this', if the only thing important was to get the work done.
The criticism attacks. The attack is personal. It hurts.
Read that remark again - 'Why can't you do something without me asking you to do it?'. Now, see someone saying this to you. Does it hurt?
The immediate response is to lash back at them, if you can. 'What do you mean? I never do anything!!' might be one such response.
Imagine instead, the person said 'I wish you would do some things without me asking you to do them.'
The person saying this seems resigned, almost giving up on you. It doesn't sound hurtful, but it does put the other person at your mercy. It is them now, who seem to be hurt, not you.
Why is it so difficult to say the words 'I wish', precisely because of that. It makes it a request, maybe even a prayer, and hence deniable. No one wants to feel vulnerable.
'You never listen to me', is the same thing as saying 'I wish you listened to me more'. It just doesn't have the anger, the exasperation, and the frustration that someone may want to convey. 'I wish', has disappointment.
Why is this important?
Think back to when you received criticism. From your boss, your colleagues, your clients or team. Each of those was a 'I wish'.
Criticism Statements with “I Wish” Reframing:
“You’re always late to meetings.” > “I wish you would be on time for meetings.”
“You never follow instructions.” > “I wish you would follow the instructions more closely.”
“You talk too much during meetings.” > “I wish you would listen more during meetings.”
“Your work is always sloppy.” > “I wish your work could be more thorough and detailed.”
“You’re too focused on minor details.” > “I wish you could focus on the bigger picture.”
“You’re not a team player.” > “I wish you would collaborate more with the team.”
“You never take responsibility for your mistakes.” > “I wish you would take responsibility when things go wrong.”
“You’re too negative all the time.” > “I wish you could be more positive and optimistic.”
“You don’t prioritize your tasks well.” > “I wish you could prioritize your tasks more effectively.”
“You’re too rigid and inflexible.” > “I wish you could be more adaptable and open to change.”
So what can you do? Or should I say I wish you would:
Dig deeper into criticisms to understand the unmet needs or desires that are being expressed.
Use the “wish” perspective to provide feedback that motivates and inspires rather than discourages.
Understand that fear of vulnerability makes it difficult for people to express wishes.
Here are some Self-Reflection Questions for those moments when you receive criticism:
What underlying wish or need might this criticism be expressing?
Why ask it: Understanding that criticism often masks a wish or need can help you see the situation more empathetically. This can help you look past the emotional charge and focus on the root cause.
Example: If your manager says, “You’re always late with reports,” they might be expressing a need for timely information to make better decisions.
Follow-up: Consider how you might address this underlying need in a way that aligns with your own goals and values.
How can I separate the message from my emotions?
Why ask it: Criticism can often trigger strong emotional reactions. By separating the message from your emotions, you can focus on the constructive aspects and respond more effectively.
Example: Instead of reacting defensively to criticism about your work quality, focus on understanding what specific improvements are being requested.
Follow-up: Practice techniques like deep breathing or pausing to gain clarity before responding
Is there any truth to this criticism that I can learn from?
Why ask it: Even harsh criticism can contain valuable insights. By identifying the truth in the feedback, you can turn it into an opportunity for personal or professional growth.
Example: If a client criticizes your lack of communication, consider how improving communication skills could benefit your relationships and career.
Follow-up: Reflect on actionable steps you can take to address valid concerns.
How can I respond in a way that fosters a positive dialogue?
Why ask it: Your response can either escalate a conflict or pave the way for constructive conversation. Choosing to respond thoughtfully can enhance mutual understanding and cooperation.
Example: Instead of countering with a defensive retort, you might say, “I understand your concern and would like to work on improving this.”
Follow-up: Use open-ended questions to explore the issue further and demonstrate your willingness to find solutions.
What can I do to prevent similar criticism in the future?
Why ask it: Reflecting on proactive measures can help you improve and prevent recurring issues. This forward-thinking approach demonstrates responsibility and commitment to personal development.
Example: If criticized for not meeting expectations, consider how you can clarify those expectations and align your actions with them in future projects.
Follow-up: Set specific goals and create an action plan to address areas where you can improve.
By recognising the wish behind every criticism, we can transform potentially negative interactions into opportunities for growth and connection.